Product Review: Biore Baking Soda Pore Cleanser

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ILuvBeautie

Hey Everyone!

Today’s post is on a beauty sample I got in a Beauty Box a few months ago. Walmart has a Beauty Box that features a few samples from their Beauty section. It comes out every few months and it is only $5 to try, so I decided to give it a shot.

In this box, there were quite a few nice samples, but the one that I wanted to try out the most was this face wash. It’s from a company that I’ve heard quite a few things about, but I haven’t had many opportunities to try.

It’s a semi clear formula, somewhat thick and gives a very good lather. It has a very gentle exfoliation, and leaves a wonderful feeling to the face. Though it is an exfoliating face wash, it did not leave my face feeling dry or patchy.

I also appreciate the fact that…

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I’m just not that in to you!!!!

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So I spent the weekend with my dad and was making my way back home so that I could get to work the following morning. I had a craving for something in particular and was not sure what I wanted to eat. After making my way around in the square, I decided that a small strawberry milkshake and a large serving of fries would stave off the craving demon and motivate me to get up at 5 a.m.

I went into the store and stood in line, as i’m waiting for my turn this man comes out of nowhere and walks right up to the cashier and asks her for something. Now, I am the kind of individual who does not believe in skipping the line and will happily wait my turn so of course I gave him the almighty side eye. He then turns to me as if he is doing me a favor and says, “go ahead, it’s your turn.” I place my order and proceed down the counter to wait patiently, having forgotten this man, or so I thought.

A couple minutes into my waiting for fresh fries ( yummy!), I hear a voice to my right say, ” excuse me miss, may I have a minute?” . I’m polite to a fault and always try to accommodate others as much as possible so I walk down the counter to him and smile while I say, ” yes? How can I help you?”

The man proceeds to tell me that he saw my natural hair which he likes very much and continued to let me know that he owns a barber shop that specializes in cutting women’s hair and eyebrows and asked if i was interested and he would show me the pictures of his shop on his phone. I told him that I had cut it once before and I was growing it out but it was nice to know that he had his own business…. and there was his opening.

I was subsequently caught up in a long rant about how men should approach women and what it is that they need to use as their opening lines etc. I am still nodding and smiling at this point as my mind tries to find the most appropriate and non-combative way of telling this man to get the hell out of my face. I gather my food as he asks if he can talk to me a bit more and I kindly inform him that I am taking my food to go. THis man takes up the other bag that I am travelling and proceeds to take a seat. That should have clued me into the craziness that was about to rain down on me. I take a seat opposite him and he then decides that that is not enough and moves beside me. Using all the SAT words he learnt, he pummeled me with conversation while I smiled and nodded and consumed my snack. I found it funny that he was even mispronouncing and making words up but then had he gall to ask me if I had completed tertiary education because he didn’t want the words to be going over my head. I decided that the only way out was to exchange numbers so I did and let him know that I was ready to leave. He knew my first name but insisted on referring to me as baby. ANYONE who knows me knows that I ABHOR that endearment. But i grinned and bore it thinking that this would be the end of it.

I finally made it home to a text message asking if he could call me to which I made no response. Fast forward to me returning home from training this morning to find that he had whatsapped me sending me no less than 10 messages which began with ” morning hun”. No dude, you are moving way too fast and as I explained to you last night, I am not in the market for a relationship but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I immediately blocked him on whatsapp and sent a lengthy text message to explain that I was not of the same mind set and I apologised if he was given the wrong impression but this for sure was not for me.

I leave the phone to go shower. I hear the phone ring and a sudden dread washes over me. I let it ring to voicemail and then when I get out, sure enough….. Now this is starting to get me angry . then a text message comes in, ” so you’re ignoring me now….”

I think I saw red, so I messaged him and told him that I wasn’t but based on what I had said before I didn’t think I needed to say anything else.

These were his words to follow:

“and it’s an insult to block me off your whatsapp but thats alright! I can not believe you would be this mean to me? You seems so nice but you can never just deal with the superficial and know people?

But its all good! Its life and the people we rejected are just the perfect ones’s for us but time is a master for all things, and you may just take down your guard the wrong time and the wrong day ; to the wrong guy!!! But one day you’ll see what am talking about??!!!!!:(:]y3-/8-/:>>:/.”

To which I replied:

” I am a wonderful person. Which is why I took the time to explain how I felt to you. WhatsApp is something that I do not use with any and every one hence my decision. You know nothing about me so do not presume to judge me. Just because I decided like I said last night that I wasn’t interested and I have concretized that fact does not mean that you get to sit and criticize me. I know what is best for me and when that right time is and it just isn’t it. Accept it and don’t make this more than it is. Good day Sir!”

Now you tell me, was I being harsh? I mean this guy sat and had a conversation with me for maybe 20 minutes or rather he sat and spoke to me for that time because I didn’t get much in and he is behaving like I strung him along for weeks or months and then decided to call it quits. I mean I take full responsibility for giving him my number but good God o grace the man was already talking like we were in a relationship. He was even chastising me for my snack saying that I was going to put on weight and he liked me the size I was at so that would be something that we would argue about. Like what???!

This….. this right here is why I am single! UNBELIEVABLE? BELIEVE IT!!

 

Is that my only option?

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So…. I thought I would share this little tid bit since I have quite literally posted my entire artillery of deep dark secrets. You guys know me better than my own mother ( which is saying something since I apparently wear my emotions on my sleeve). Anyways, to the point….
I am single. I felt a twinge of pain in my chest when I wrote that.. lol… just a little one anyway and at my are I am apparently an aberration. I am supposed to be in the category of dating or married. This young man couldn’t understand why it was that I was not married or in a relationship and his only explanation for that fact was that I must be gay.
I laughed until tears came… I didn’t mention to him that gay people ave relationships too so I’m not sure what it was that he was trying to imply. Heaven knows I didn’t stick around long enough to find out.
I’m saying this to say that as far as I am concerned it is ok that I am single, being in a relationship doesn’t define me and my sexual orientation should not define my relationship status.

These boys these days…. *smh*

Current Thoughts

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A girlfriend of mine messaged me today and asked if I was an Adele fan. OF. COURSE (lol). Tole me to go check out Hello on YouTube and after the first line I was hooked. Someone finally figured out how to put my feelings into song!!! A little elated and embarrassed that I got found out.

But here goes!!

Updating my status…..

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It has been ages since I have fondled keys in an attempt to stimulate my brain and flood this page with my thoughts. Ages since I took the time to dissect my inner being and experience the catharsis blogging brings me…. So much has changed and yet so much has remained the same.

What can I say? New job, Master’s programme, new housing (sort of). Life is looking alot different than it did a year ago. Come to think of it a year ago at this time, I was just leaving my last job. God has been good.

Why then do I still have traces of old feelings and behaviour? There are so many hurdles I am yet to fly over. I feel like some of these things keep popping up as I run along. I have so much to be grateful for and I have been trying each day to reflect on at least one thing. It doesn’t always work but hey, I’ only human.

People I thought would never hurt me the way they did have been slowly wiped from my mind with only a cursory occasional glance at their misdeeds and sometimes I smile. Some however have begun to sour in their filth and my disgust. I’ve begun to hate those ones. Granted my head knows that the hate brewing will only hurt me bu it feels so damn good to not like them. For the firs time today, I voiced my disgust for someone, just realizing that there was where my feelings were heading. I feel like I am constantly cycling through the stages of grief. One step forward, five steps back… Ah the contours of life…

These days my writing is purely non-fiction as research and discussion papers pile higher than my eyes. Sometimes I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Then I remember my goals and somehow I make it through. I’m a fighter. I need to keep reminding myself of that fact.

Love denied….

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● I don’t love him

● It doesn’t matter, it never did

● I’m so over it!

● You have no effect on me

● Of course I believe you

● Of course, I loved you

●Yes, I’ll always care about you

●You’re the one

●I want to marry you, but…

●I’ll always love you

Moon cycle

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I still see your words and they send a shiver down my spine
Like you grabbed hold if my heart and said be mine.
Abstract words scratched on the papyrus script of my soul leave me breathless for moments stolen, turned to gold.

It’s the little things; gentle concern, shared laughter, a light break, a breather and even shared disaster that makes my world seem brighter, lighter even.

I still see your face and it makes me quiver, eyes all dewy
Filled with unspoken promises of heartbreak and pleasure.
Waiting for me to pluck the ripe fruits from your table but if only you would ask.

I feel unspoken words feather light against my breast as your very existence says…… Yes.

It’s the comfort in your unpredictable preictability that makes you my rock. Something constant, familiar, steady….

Maybe one day i’ll be ready to say and feel those long ago things that once appealed to me so greatly.

Today, however, i’ll settle for reoccuring dreams of a life we lived in my dreamland…

HUGE BH COSMETICS HAUL + XMAS/HOLIDAY GIVEAWAY!

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ILuvBeautie

Hey everyone!

Firstly, please forgive me if I’m a bit late on this post, and it’s not as detailed as I usually am. This is the third time I’m writing this post, as my phone keeps deleting it right when I’m almost ready to post. Now onto the meat of the matter.

For those of you who know me in person, or are familiar with my past blog posts, you’ll know that I am a big fan of BH Cosmetics. Like a really, really big fan! I have rarely ever come across a product from them that I didn’t really like. They offer really good products at great prices. And whenever they have a good sale, I’m most likely getting something from them.

The USA celebrated Thanksgiving a few weeks ago, and one thing that is associated with that holiday is Black Friday. Black Friday is one of the biggest…

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Childish Behavior.

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As of late, I have been feeling the need to act out. I have developed the assumption that all the things I missed doing as a teen and young adult are suddenly the things I am attracted to. Being irrational, breaking rules, doing reckless things are suddenly very attractive. I find this rather disconcerting as I am usually the voice of reason and rational in any group.

I suppose it may be that I have never felt the need to be overly expressive in any situation and now I want to say everything that is on my mind. I find that I have adopted some of the latent childish qualities. I bother people and ask questions at whim and on randomness because it gives me something to do.

I don’t know how to explain it to others and I often get a look that says:” That’s silly. What are you thinking?”

I want things i shouldn’t and do things I shouldn’t. I pray this is just a phase because Heaven knows how bad this can turn out for me….

I’m praying for it to pass and to learn from it quickly before I do something drastic and stupid.

The struggle is real…..

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It’s like i’m trying to match up or fit myself into a mold that doesn’t fit. I keep trying to fix the past to fit the future and it isn’t working of course. How do I let go of that need to correct and adjust and men’s? I have tried so many things and so many variations of the same thing to no avail.
I’ve found an unhealthy way to kind of aide step ot but like I said it is totally unhealthy and that just means that I am putting myself at risk and anyone else that i involve in my schemes.
Lord knows how much I have prayed and cried over this, agonized on so many levels that I think I have eaten God’s ear off and exhausted Jesus’ patience. I know though that there will be an eventual breakthrough but I am lacking the patience to see it through. When you desire something you often find yourself in a state of constant anticipation. So much so that it becomes something that you are constantly seeking both consciously and subconsciously.
I’m trying to fill my life with thongs that will enrich and uplift me hoping they fill the void. So far, I’ve felt like a fish put of water but today the possibility of a silver lining showed itself and I have become a little calmer.
Hopefully things will begin to look up…
Here’s hoping.

Unexpected Expectations

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He raised his hands oh so slowly while staring into my eyes and I knew he would kiss me. Not the kind of kiss that ignited the blood and set to fire the need for consummation but the kind that torches the very soul.
He had that look in his eyes. The one that said more than any words could, how much it meant to him to have me there in his arms in that very moment in time because it was only at that very moment that it mattered.
Slowly he pulls me close or I move into him I can never tell afterwards for it is as if I am in a trance a fog of longing flooding my rationality.
Then his lips touch mine and all is forgotten. Erased. Obliterated. I’m immersed in a sea of sensation as every nerve ending comes to life and all I want to do is to live in his skin to crawl into his mind and wreak all sorts of havoc the way he does mine.
He deepens it pulls me closer, puts his hands on my cheeks and gently strokes my hair. He slows me down to mere breath and heartbeat and in that moment I open my eyes. I need to see if this is a dream or if once again I am where I’ve always wanted to be.
The fog clears and with a jolt I’m awakened to the fact that it was only just a dream. My lips still tingle and my cheeks are still warm but where he stood cradling me is only a firm resting place for my head. I’ll turn over and close my eyes and dream for once again he is mine, mine in my bed.

Eyes wide shut…

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Pain DEMANDS to be felt! That’s the only thing that resonated. Pain demands to be felt!! It has been demanding it need but I have no longer the strength nor temerity to feed this monster. Pain DEMANDS to be felt…. I however demand that it needs to feel me!

Pain…..

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I no longer write. Sharing my thoughts and dreams through poem and prose no longer bring me joy but seem to weigh my mind down like a milstone around my neck at high tide. My brain feels like a mud puddle hair deep.
I’m not interested in it and I feel so lazy all the time. The car has lost its drive and there is no interest in servicing.
How do I get back there? How do I find it?! Heaven knows… I get jealous of others and how they do what they do the way I used to do it and I wonder what runs their motors? I have the experiences that would fill a library and yet I can go no further than a few sentences and a period on a page.
It fills me with sorrow to think that i have lost the ability to put pen to paper. The thrill of the chase no longer amuses me and all I am left with is a constant ache. A dull pain in the pit of my stomach and the back of my brain that won’t go away.
Scholarly soul?! Maybe souless scholar or scholarless soul? Hmmm…. Who knows?

Uninspired

Back to square one…..

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I have changed but remained the same. It has been four days. Four days since we spoke and already i have begun to feel the threads of frustration wrap around my mind. I think because I am so used to access being denied at the drop of a hat that I just felt the need to go into overdrive and get what I wanted while I could get it. I fixate on things and whenever I think I have let them go and I am ok, something cones back and says hey nope this thing still bothers you and I go right back to square one.

This isn’t the best time for that to happen either considering the fact that I have no other major distractions. This leaves me all the time in the world to just sit and think. Sigh. Why cant things happen when I am stable and well put together so that I don’t seem like I’m floundering about the place and have become a crazy person? I was past this phase. I was good. Now I feel like I’m obsessing again. Man, life is something else.

interestingly though I’m feeling nothing other than morbid curiousity. I’m not as frantic to know why why why. This whole thing slowly heals wounds that have oozed for years but I feel like they have actually healed without my knowledge. I may not need these answers but only want them. I can do without things that are just wants so maybe I don’t need to do this anymore. Ha! E

Careful what you wish for….

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So… I had the talk and to tell you the truth im beginning to wonder if I was better off hsving not ventured into those waters. Is it weird that during thr entire time I just kept thinking very unclean thoughts? I dont indulge in any form of acrivity with anyone who is in a relationship because things you do often come back to you. I swear to you though that I probably would have broken that rule today for a second. I think it might just be the particular time of the month where the hormones in my poor body go into overdrive but my word. I seriously had to keep my distance because smells do things to me and it was too much.
I’m ok I guess but this is something I wanted to examine because I was a little confused about it because of all the feelings I expected to occur that wasnt one of them. I suppose I found out some things today that I didnt even know existed and I really wish I had known them back then…
Now I have mixed feelings regarding  what I now feel, used to feel and am allowed to feel. My girlfriemd said thatbit would have been cathartic, this day when apologies would have been offered and we got to the point where we could talk about our past “relationahip” and I put that in quotes because im still of the belief that it wasnt really one. Anyway…… so now I’m facing this conundrum because I domt know what is acceptable and what isnt. I dont feel in control of mine emotions and body anymore…..I’m trying to not feel anymore and its like thr more I try not tomits the more that I do. I envy people in relationships for the simple fact that they are. I hate people who can simply be happy in th moment and not worry about when it will end. I especially despise the fact that people who are singlw are ok with it and seem to be quite happy. I always feel like a part of me is missing and my very soul feels lonely.
I dont know how I feel about almost being good enough but not quite there and I  would never share  the fact that I always wanted someone from before to realise that I was indeed good enough and decide to want me again. Stupid yes but it is something that I have always felt. It confuses me. I’m just a ball of confusion I suppose. It is something else though and I will just have to live with it.

How Do I?

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I committed my first logical and rational offense against another human being and am totally shocked at my lack of remorse. For lack of a better thought or care in the world, he had it coming. I mean how do you teach a person that constantly commits the same offense a lesson?Let them commit the offense!
I mean my God man! I have spoken over and over about the issue. Over and over….. No. No. No. No. No, but to no avail. So I said what the hell, do your shit and when you get burnt don’t blame me.
For a second after I felt bad but then I said to myself, ” You were warned over and over and this isn’t the first time that this has happened. Why am I constantly trying to spare your feelings when you have no regard for your own?”
I’m tired of coddling and being the one that looks out for others at my expense. So I did what any other tired human would do. I took what I wanted and left.
Granted I also learnt a lesson from the situation as well. Don’t exploit the weakness of others consciously or unconsciously (even though it started as an unconscious thing, I think when it was pointed out i made an effort to use it.)
I’ve noticed this change in me. I’ve become so devious and delight in the deliciously sinful dangers that life offers. I think it might be the fact that once again I have to start from scratch. I know I’ve definitely returned to my security blanket but even its scent and color has changed so that is something I have to get used to. There are still some elements to it that are comforting and familiar but the overwhelming changes now have me acting out.
Last week I was a literal mess. I screamed and cursed at people (well one person) and had a tantrum which made me feel better for about two seconds. I’m not sure where this road is taking me but i don’t know if I like the name of the street at the moment. Don’t get me wrong! At the moment I take nothing for granted and appreciate all the blessings I have received but sometimes I just want to scream about the injustices of my world and find something to make it all go away. I suppose in a way my discretion was not as rational as I thought. I mean I felt some level of gratification but to what end? Am I going to hurt someone else each time the feeling comes over me? Will this very new and strange feeling come over me again and how often will it happen? How far will I go to gratify it? Will I enjoy these moments too much and become an entirely different person? Someone I will no longer recognize or even like?
The over thinking has set in and now I am on the verge of panic. I hear this is what rock bottom feels like but knowing me I can probably dig my way down a little more. Lol. That’s the positive side talking too. Strange enough I haven’t felt this way in about 8 months which begs the question. “Does this situation have an environmental trigger?” ” Do I really and truly need to stay away from this place that seems more like home to me than anywhere else?” ” Do I erase the bad memories and pretend that that will stem the leak before the dam breaks?”
I no longer put on a facade of pleasure or displeasure, I speak my mind and show exactly what it is that is happening. While this recent change is liberating( one week in) how far will I go you know? There is always a point you get to where you start hurting people with the truth and i don’t want to become that person because I feel like I may get lost in it and later live a life of regrets.
Sigh… so much growing up to do. I never had these things to contend with at the time that others did because I was always too busy pleasing the world and his wives. At this stage in my life I should be so self -assured and self- aware, heading down a particular path and looking for all the traditional things people my age seek to attain. Instead I find myself at the back of the line, still in the starting blocks because I false-started. Each time I think I have reached a milestone I find that I have stepped back in something I have accomplished prior to that.

Welcome to my new world…. Chaos.

Hindsight is second vision.

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I always look back at things and compare them to the things I am currently experiencing. I look for recurring patterns both good and bad and determine which ones to eliminate and which ones to keep.
I seem however to be stuck on one repeating reel that won’t go away. Im the real live version of Chuck from the movie, ” Good Luck Chuck”. To recap Chuck was unlucky in love but always seemed to give his partners good fortune. Each time a girl left him the next man she met was her “soulmate”…. blah you may say? Simple movie script? Not so my friend. Ive seen it happen 3 times already and now number 4.  Men who didnt know the first letter in commitmnt are now off engaged, in commited relationships, even having children. What do they all have in common? Me. Now im serious the very  next girl they dated after me was the one that got the refined, ambitious, cari g and loving man. Im no big dater and frankly had only two relationships and one serious one (apparently only on my part) but these four men received my affection for varying lenghts of time and after we severed ties went on to happiness.
Im happy for them and wish them all the best because let’s be real : Who wouldn’t want to be able to fix things for othrrs and make them happy?
But my big question is: What about me? Where is my Chuck? When do I get to date somebody, break up with them and move on to something albeit not permanent but lasting longer than a summer school session? I mean come on!
Don’t I deserve to be happy and loved and made to feel special and share parts of myself and my life with somebody else like everybody is apparently doing? Even the most cynical of them waxes poetic with thoughts of finding the one… When do I get to be one? Lol….
Interestingly enough no one can say, hey this is what you did wrong or that..
I  cant always see the err of my ways hence feedback and  communication. But while I inadvertently crave something and someone  I know I cant have, I love unconditionally. I love you once I love you forever. Therefore if I tell you I don’t love you anymore i’ve either lied to save face or never really loved you to begin with and I dont doll outni love you’s. I rarely even share those words with my parents whoni awkwardly answer when they express their love much more… I’ve become a cynic, sneering at the very idez of love and all its trapping s while secretly craving all it has to offer. I’m misunderstood and my love taken for granted and abused. You dont care enough about me but I care enough to do whatever is necesary to make you comfortable and happy, even when you hurt me. Im like a child giving unconditional love to an abusive parent or a pet loving an uncaring master.
No matter how hard I try to harden my heart and say no, something says , “what if?” How would want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot?

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Granted nobody has ever loved me but you know you dont really choose who you love, you only choose what to do with it.I end my rant to say that, yes I can make decisisons that can change events and make things different but there are some fundsmentals that will remain. In this world I am a giver not a taker and that is something I have learnt to live with. My goal is to learn when and who to give to in order to minimize the pain and hurt of disappointment and loss.
Bah humbug….. I’m cursed with too big a heart and too small a door to boot ppl out. 🙂